Inlaws going through separation.

We recently went out to breakfast with him over the weekend and astonishingly, he was sober as could be and I wanted so bad to say something to him then but I was forbidden by the wife because she was afraid of him making a scene in public or just getting up and leaving and for 3 days prior, all my wife could do is stress and be anxious to the point to where she is contemplating not even meeting him for breakfast just so she doesn't have to deal with him. That's where this has gotten.
 
Man I feel for you guys.

Especially you. I would recommend you read a book called 'Boundaries'...its set in a business mode but was hugely helpful - dare I say life changing - for me in dealing with my wife's family drama.

In short I would encourage you to support your wife and her emotional needs but to learn to have no thoughts or feelings about her families actions. You cant control it and its a no win situation for you emotionally.

Note I didnt say you couldnt help mechanically - just to detach emotionally.

The MIL is a grown woman, she has to make big girl decisions and you and your wife have to support those - even if you disagree.

Dude sounds like a loser, but we are also getting half the story. Maybe the stress of caring for her and the emotional toll it took on him lead him to drink as a coping mechanism. I dont know. I feel for all involved and I'll say a prayer for your strength and wisdom to support your wife.

More analytically, a joint account is just as much hers as it is his. He is no more entitled to be able to pay his mortgage and utilities than she is. She should take whatever she needs to support herself while she can.

As a dude who grew up a child of multiple divorces....I know a thing or two because Ive seen a thing or two...I will only say this. The law of separation is - the moment you decide that the marriage is over and its time to separate, everything is a business transaction and you are a fool if you dont get everything you can. The minute that emotional detachment happens that ex has to be as apathetic to you as a stranger on the street. Would you choose to be homeless to keep a stranger on the street from being upset? No of course not.

But to be fair, this knife cuts both ways.
 
Ron said:
Man I feel for you guys.

Especially you. I would recommend you read a book called 'Boundaries'...its set in a business mode but was hugely helpful - dare I say life changing - for me in dealing with my wife's family drama.

In short I would encourage you to support your wife and her emotional needs but to learn to have no thoughts or feelings about her families actions. You cant control it and its a no win situation for you emotionally.

Note I didnt say you couldnt help mechanically - just to detach emotionally.

The MIL is a grown woman, she has to make big girl decisions and you and your wife have to support those - even if you disagree.

Dude sounds like a loser, but we are also getting half the story. Maybe the stress of caring for her and the emotional toll it took on him lead him to drink as a coping mechanism. I dont know. I feel for all involved and I'll say a prayer for your strength and wisdom to support your wife.

More analytically, a joint account is just as much hers as it is his. He is no more entitled to be able to pay his mortgage and utilities than she is. She should take whatever she needs to support herself while she can.

As a dude who grew up a child of multiple divorces....I know a thing or two because Ive seen a thing or two...I will only say this. The law of separation is - the moment you decide that the marriage is over and its time to separate, everything is a business transaction and you are a fool if you dont get everything you can. The minute that emotional detachment happens that ex has to be as apathetic to you as a stranger on the street. Would you choose to be homeless to keep a stranger on the street from being upset? No of course not.

But to be fair, this knife cuts both ways.
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I appreciate the kind words. I really do.

My MIL has had her share of "crazy things" too but in her defense, she has always been held hostage in that relationship. The moment she became disabled and couldn't provide income, he took full advantage of that. His Dad died when he was 2 and his mom was hardly ever around, so he was raised by wolves. He's always drank from an early age among other things... and didn't have a great life as far as parents go. he partied and did what he wanted to his whole life and never had anyone tell him any differently.

I know that caring for her did take a toll on him, but when you would talk to him, that's all he talked about... over and over and over again. Like all he wanted was the sympathy and that his life was somehow worse off than hers and even when we all thought she was on her death bed a few years ago, he would dog her and it would all be Woe, is me.

I am trying to convince my wife to set boundaries and detach herself at least a little bit because its starting to take away from our home life because of how much it affects her. I think she is slowly realizing at least with her dad that why should she invest so much into someone who doesn't do the same for her... but she always says " But thats my Dad" and I feel that.
 
Have you had a serious talk with the MIL about what she is going to do if she gets actually leaves him? Even if she gets half, and her monthly money, it doesn't sound like she has a plan to live her life, and might not even be able to afford it on her own (or even be able to live on her own) with what she might get.
 
DSM Turbos said:
Have you had a serious talk with the MIL about what she is going to do if she gets actually leaves him? Even if she gets half, and her monthly money, it doesn't sound like she has a plan to live her life, and might not even be able to afford it on her own (or even be able to live on her own) with what she might get.
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This is my thought. I wonder if her having nothing might help her with an assisted living type community?
 
Devils advocate, but have you tried to take care of her? I’m sure he’s been through hell himself if she’s bad enough to not be able to work or take care of herself. A check doesn’t help with that. And I would only imagine if she’s been on Disability that long she draws very little. Hopefully you all can get it sorted in the best of ways. In his twisted mind he thinks he’s done all he can probably.
 
Noel said:
Devils advocate, but have you tried to take care of her? I’m sure he’s been through hell himself if she’s bad enough to not be able to work or take care of herself. A check doesn’t help with that. And I would only imagine if she’s been on Disability that long she draws very little. Hopefully you all can get it sorted in the best of ways. In his twisted mind he thinks he’s done all he can probably.
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She has stayed with us several times for short stints over the years because of fights they have had or just wanting to get away for a week or so and because not of her physical limitations but her depression and mentality and how she was always taken care of, she has never had to care for herself. I get it though. Day after day of her asking for this and needs that and do this and do that and you wonder why she doesn't get up and do it herself. I totally see that and understand it from a caregivers stand point, but I feel like there is a better way to go about it and at this moment, he is wanting her to come back and says he will take care of her, but she refuses to be put back into that situation and I don't blame her. The last time she stayed with us for a little over a week, we waited on her hand and foot. She was convinced in her mind that she couldn't go up and down the steps and wanted one of us to stay home with her while she was there and we couldn't...we had to work.. but yet while we were gone, she would get up walk downstairs, make herself something to eat and drink multiple times during the day, but while we were there, she couldn't do anything... on the last day she was at our house, she texted my wife to come upstairs to cover her up with a blanket... and that was the final straw for my wife. She told her that she needed to get up and go back home and stop with the games.. and so she did. So, I can only imagine what it was like in their house every. single. day. and what my BIL/SIL have been dealing with for the past 6 months, but she also needs help getting out on her own and she at least has the hope that she can be on her own and the fact that her own husband isn't helping her to try and achieve that and has left us with hearing about it and dealing with it and the financial burden it has put on my BIL/SIL as they have been buying her groceries, clothes, and anything else she needs while she is there.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
She has stayed with us several times for short stints over the years because of fights they have had or just wanting to get away for a week or so and because not of her physical limitations but her depression and mentality and how she was always taken care of, she has never had to care for herself. I get it though. Day after day of her asking for this and needs that and do this and do that and you wonder why she doesn't get up and do it herself. I totally see that and understand it from a caregivers stand point, but I feel like there is a better way to go about it and at this moment, he is wanting her to come back and says he will take care of her, but she refuses to be put back into that situation and I don't blame her. The last time she stayed with us for a little over a week, we waited on her hand and foot. She was convinced in her mind that she couldn't go up and down the steps and wanted one of us to stay home with her while she was there and we couldn't...we had to work.. but yet while we were gone, she would get up walk downstairs, make herself something to eat and drink multiple times during the day, but while we were there, she couldn't do anything... on the last day she was at our house, she texted my wife to come upstairs to cover her up with a blanket... and that was the final straw for my wife. She told her that she needed to get up and go back home and stop with the games.. and so she did. So, I can only imagine what it was like in their house every. single. day. and what my BIL/SIL have been dealing with for the past 6 months, but she also needs help getting out on her own and she at least has the hope that she can be on her own and the fact that her own husband isn't helping her to try and achieve that and has left us with hearing about it and dealing with it and the financial burden it has put on my BIL/SIL as they have been buying her groceries, clothes, and anything else she needs while she is there.
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Sorry - but from this description she sounds like a manipulative POS.

You've skirted around it a few times, can you say what her disability is?
 
Starting to sound to me like MIL might need some serious tough love pushing from the nest.
 
And some serious therapy
 
The $5k for an attorney is the retainer that he/she will deduct from for all of their communications with her and with the FIL's atty and he will have to get one too.. Atty deducts with every email and phone convo that they have about the case. MIL will have to list out all assets and liabilities. Monies just randomly taken from the accounts as this is happening will have to be accounted for but possession of it def has its rewards. Neither of them will win and it will def get nasty and I would bet that even though he may be the main asshole, they both contributed to the situation.
I've just went through 15 months of trying to get separated and am now about a month from being able to file for divorce after our 366 day legal separation.
All of this is still very fresh in my mind so I can probably answer questions pretty accurately.
If they are dead set on divorce then they should quickly list all financials and if they don't agree on an outcome, go straight into binding mediation.
Divorce is basically nuts and bolts once you get the financials all listed out but it's the emotion that makes it hard. If he has supported her all this time , he will def have to pay alimony to keep her in the current lifestyle. Plus all assets will be 50/50 even his retirement.
If anyone is close enough to him to have a conversation about moving forward with this, they should. It will not be pretty for either of them. Both should be asked if there's a middle ground where they can move forward and what would it look like if so. It'll take them plus their kids to make it work in this situation IMO.
 
^^ if he has everything and she has nothing, that means that any outcome in the divorce means he has everything to lose and nothing to gain, she has nothing to lose and everything to gain.
His gamble is only that she can't muster the resources to make it happen (or really wants it to happen)

As the details unravel more, it is increasingly clear that you should really be asking yourselves what she really wants and what the rest of you consider to be viable for afterwards.
It sounds to me like she doesn't really want independence at all. In fact I'd wager even if she got a massive settlement and won the lottery and could move out and live on her own she wouldn't. What she craves is attention and being served and the only solution she'd be happy with that isn't a family member taking care of her is enough cash to pay for full time in-home care from some poor soul.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
She has stayed with us several times for short stints over the years because of fights they have had or just wanting to get away for a week or so and because not of her physical limitations but her depression and mentality and how she was always taken care of, she has never had to care for herself. I get it though. Day after day of her asking for this and needs that and do this and do that and you wonder why she doesn't get up and do it herself. I totally see that and understand it from a caregivers stand point, but I feel like there is a better way to go about it and at this moment, he is wanting her to come back and says he will take care of her, but she refuses to be put back into that situation and I don't blame her. The last time she stayed with us for a little over a week, we waited on her hand and foot. She was convinced in her mind that she couldn't go up and down the steps and wanted one of us to stay home with her while she was there and we couldn't...we had to work.. but yet while we were gone, she would get up walk downstairs, make herself something to eat and drink multiple times during the day, but while we were there, she couldn't do anything... on the last day she was at our house, she texted my wife to come upstairs to cover her up with a blanket... and that was the final straw for my wife. She told her that she needed to get up and go back home and stop with the games.. and so she did. So, I can only imagine what it was like in their house every. single. day. and what my BIL/SIL have been dealing with for the past 6 months, but she also needs help getting out on her own and she at least has the hope that she can be on her own and the fact that her own husband isn't helping her to try and achieve that and has left us with hearing about it and dealing with it and the financial burden it has put on my BIL/SIL as they have been buying her groceries, clothes, and anything else she needs while she is there.
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This changes EVERYTHING. I now feel sorry for the FIL. SHE is the one who needs an intervention. I would tell her to go home and stop being a lazy bitch.
 
paradisePWoffrd said:
This is my thought. I wonder if her having nothing might help her with an assisted living type community?
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DSM Turbos said:
That's my thought as well, but I'm sure those aren't cheap, and not sure if you can get covered, but maybe medicaid/care could help?
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The ABSOLUTE LAST place you want a loved one to be is in a medicaid funded situation. Most/many private nursing homes/assisted living don't take medicaid patients. Go visit a medicaid level home one day...you won't like it. My mom's assisted living ran over 5k/month. Another relative had to have skilled nursing, at over 12k/month. Getting old ain't cheap.
 
drkelly said:
This changes EVERYTHING. I now feel sorry for the FIL. SHE is the one who needs an intervention. I would tell her to go home and stop being a lazy bitch.
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I read it all and had this in the back of my head the entire read (although I felt like an asshole for doing so). She needs therapy with or without him. Sounds like there's been a helluva lot of enabling going on from everyone involved. I've witnessed situations just like this and sometimes you got to pull them off the teet so they'll get on their feet. Sorry , this may sound cold but the first thing I'd do is nothing for awhile.
 
shawn said:
Not uncommon for one party to go clean out all joint accounts just before or immediately after divorce proceedings are initiated.
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Edit: Jody went way Back to the Future with this reply. All is good in da hood these days.
I had something typed out that wouldn't have guaranteed me peace in the future.
I'll just say, yup. A no good ass hole will do just that and leave the other one paying that tab.
 
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kaiser715 said:
The ABSOLUTE LAST place you want a loved one to be is in a medicaid funded situation. Most/many private nursing homes/assisted living don't take medicaid patients. Go visit a medicaid level home one day...you won't like it. My mom's assisted living ran over 5k/month. Another relative had to have skilled nursing, at over 12k/month. Getting old ain't cheap.
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How the hell do people afford it?
 
BIGWOODY said:
I read it all and had this in the back of my head the entire read (although I felt like an asshole for doing so). She needs therapy with or without him. Sounds like there's been a helluva lot of enabling going on from everyone involved. I've witnessed situations just like this and sometimes you got to pull them off the teet so they'll get on their feet. Sorry , this may sound cold but the first thing I'd do is nothing for awhile.
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Codependency comes to mind.
 
DSM Turbos said:
How the hell do people afford it?
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You just hope it doesn't go on too many years. My mom was at the facility for almost 7 years, at first in an independent living apartment that was about 2500 a month. Being in assisted living was OK....her social security and state retirement pretty well covered it, plus some additional living expenses, so didn't have to eat into assets. The other relative....it was just burning thru cash every month. Tried keeping her at home at first, but it was so hard keeping reliable 24/7 hired help, and even more expensive than the skilled care facility.
 
DSM Turbos said:
How the hell do people afford it?
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My parents have "long term care insurance." A premium you pay now that pays for your care if needed.
I'd never heard of it until Dad mentioned it. At the time I thought, Jeez what a scam.
Then he showed me the bills from Grandmother's care the last few years of her life, and what its costing my aunt after my uncle's stroke, and now I totally get it.

Dad is a pretty smart guy and realized how quickly the estate would be drained, and thats his hedge against it w/o being rich.
 
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