Inlaws going through separation.

Cherokeekid88

Cherokeekid88

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2007
Location
High Point, NC
So, I normally wouldn't air this type of dirty laundry on here, but it's getting to a point to where we just don't know what to do. I am going to try and make this VERY long story as short as possible. My in laws have been married for 37 years or so and my Mother in law has been disabled for 25+ of those years. Not wheelchair bound, just not in great health. She has gone through 30+ years of verbal abuse and in the last 5 years or so, her physical and mental health has declined and my Father in law who is now retired (probably been 5 years or so) had been basically been her caregiver since her decline. We found out that a lot of her decline was mental and just living in that house with him constantly complaining and treating her like chit and constantly reminding her of all the stuff she can't do and constantly putting her down just drove her to a point where she had to leave and get out of that environment to get better, so she moved into my brother in laws basement about 6 months ago and told my father in law that she wanted to leave for a while to give him a break from his caregiving duties. It's been a little over 6 months and he has went to see her once, doesn't give her any money, doesn't take her to her doctors appointments or doesn't help out at all. Even her disability check that she gets every month has been going to a joint account that she isn't even getting to help pay for her groceries and anything else she needs and my father in law has been using her disability money plus his income to pay all of his household bills. A couple of weeks ago, my mother in law decided that it was time for her to look for her own apartment but knew that even if she got her disability money deposited into a new account, it wouldn't be enough for her to live off of let alone pay for an apartment, so she was going to find a place and crunch some numbers and ask my father in law for some money each month to help and like we all thought, he said no and that has put her back into a state of depression taht she seemed like she was coming out of when she saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but quickly turned that down. He is also an alcoholic and has wrecked their car twice (even though he denies that it was his fault) and got it fixed and wrecked it again hitting his own mailbox backing out of the drive way one week after getting it back from being fixed the first time. At this point, he basically has her in a stranglehold. He knows that she doesn't have anything and uses that against her and doesn't help her in any way and tells her that she has a home and that its with him, but she refuses to go back because she knows that she will never get any better living in the same house with him. She has reached out as well as my brother in law and sister in law to a couple of divorce attorneys and it seems like its going to be a minimum of $5k just to get things started, well she doesn't have $5k and she could get it from their joint account (I mean she can legally take whatever she needs since her name is on the account) but how will that look once and if the divorce train gets rolling. My only idea right now is for all of us to meet with him and try to work things out, but we all know that he probably is not going to give in without a fight unless we can break him down and let him see what he is doing to our family and hopefully he can see that he would come out better and cheaper if he helps her now vs. going through a nasty divorce and her trying to come for half. My brother and sister in law are over my mother in law being in their basement as this was supposed to be a temporary thing till she figured out what she wanted to do. So I am just trying to look for anything. Any assistance that she could qualify for or just any advice on how she can get what she needs to try and get her life bac on track so that she can get better and move on with her life. Please feel free to DM me if you'd rather do that, we are just trying to come at this from a peaceful, tactful manner, but we aren't sure if that will work in this case.
 
When we were trying to get my sister-in-law out of an abusive marriage, my wife found there are organizations that will help women with legal expenses that are being abused.
Ended up not using any of those organizations at the time because she was living overseas, but it may be something to search for.
 
From what you described, I seriously doubt your FIL is going to change. He sounds like a drunken asshole. I would combine resources with your BIL and SIL to help the MIL pay for the divorce. Then when she gets her settlement at the end, she can pay you all back.
 
VortecJeep said:
When we were trying to get my sister-in-law out of an abusive marriage, my wife found there are organizations that will help women with legal expenses that are being abused.
Ended up not using any of those organizations at the time because she was living overseas, but it may be something to search for.
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This is what we've slowly started looking at. We didn't know if because she was the one that left, if that could end up biting her in the butt later where he could claim she "abandoned" him. but any assistance she could get would be great.

drkelly said:
From what you described, I seriously doubt your FIL is going to change. He sounds like a drunken asshole. I would combine resources with your BIL and SIL to help the MIL pay for the divorce. Then when she gets her settlement at the end, she can pay you all back.
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Yeah, he is a special breed for sure. Super intelligent, super nice (early in the morning before he starts drinking) but when he starts drinking, he just completely changes and you're right... he isn't going to change and he isn't going to go down without a fight and I have a feeling he already has things lined up in his arsenal and is currently playing a game of chess, just waiting on her next move... When my Mother in law called him and basically was begging for her him give her money each month so that she could move out of their son's basement and get her own place, his response was "nice try"

I think we are just trying to figure out where she can go because its causing a strain in my BIL/SIL's marriage and he is always gone on the road working and she is at home taking care of my MIL. The other problem is everyone is so afraid of my FIL, not physically, but afraid of his wraith and him possibly making life even harder on my MIL, although I have no issue talking to him and doing sort of an "intervention" and try to get some answers out of him because its doing nothing but ripping their family apart.
 
Suck the bastard dry. Her name is on the account, and without a divorce settlement, he can't take her name off of it, best he could do is take is retirement to another account. So, do what she has to do, so she can get done what she needs to get done.
 
A good attorney will get her allimoney. (misspelled intentionally.) and support due to he past lifestyle and disability. I doubt the court will take the "She left me, abandoned me, defense. Which means all of you would need to be there to testify as to his abusive behavior.
 
upnover said:
Suck the bastard dry. Her name is on the account, and without a divorce settlement, he can't take her name off of it, best he could do is take is retirement to another account. So, do what she has to do, so she can get done what she needs to get done.
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I told my BIL that she should seriously think about going to the bank and just getting out the 5K she needs to get the process rolling and open her a new account somewhere and have her disability deposited to the new account, but that doesn't help her live on her own. but at least she is moving in the right direction.
 
upnover said:
A good attorney will get her allimoney. (misspelled intentionally.) and support due to he past lifestyle and disability. I doubt the court will take the "She left me, abandoned me, defense. Which means all of you would need to be there to testify as to his abusive behavior.
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We were hoping to do all this in a civilized manner, but it doesn't look like its going to happen that way. My BIL is pretty much done with his Dad and doesn't care to salvage any part of their relationship but is trying to hold on to what he can for my wife because she isn't willing to give up on her Dad so easily.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I told my BIL that she should seriously think about going to the bank and just getting out the 5K she needs to get the process rolling and open her a new account somewhere and have her disability deposited to the new account, but that doesn't help her live on her own. but at least she is moving in the right direction.
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This, at the very least she needs to protect her own minimal assets. It is 100% in her power to have that $$ put wherever she wants, and later during the court battle she can sue to make him repay what he took from it all this time - as long as she has documentation of where it has been going.
Cherokeekid88 said:
We were hoping to do all this in a civilized manner, but it doesn't look like its going to happen that way. My BIL is pretty much done with his Dad and doesn't care to salvage any part of their relationship but is trying to hold on to what he can for my wife because she isn't willing to give up on her Dad so easily.
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This is way past the possibility of being done civilized or outside of court.

As mentioned the best path forward is for the rest of the family to pool resources and back her finances to get through the proceedings then hopefully recoup from the winnings.
However you need to be prepared for the fact that its very possible you will not get you contribution back. Not that you MIL will have ill intention or not wish to repay, but it's very possible that what she gets back out will not be that much and will all be needed just to fund her new independent life.

e.g. consider your financial help / backing of her divorce to be a gift and not a loan.
 
This is out in left field but pooling from your other threads where you've talked about the struggle of childcare + 2 jobs, the SAHM mom vs work at home etc - is it possible that MIL can move in with you and fulfill daytime nanny in exchange for her care? 100% realize that may not be logistically feasible just trying to help with big picture ideas.
 
RatLabGuy said:
This is out in left field but pooling from your other threads where you've talked about the struggle of childcare + 2 jobs, the SAHM mom vs work at home etc - is it possible that MIL can move in with you and fulfill daytime nanny in exchange for her care? 100% realize that may not be logistically feasible just trying to help with big picture ideas.
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Great thought, but no :)
She is not in any position to care for anyone else. She can barely take care of herself. And, because of her never being on her own and always being with her husband (I believe they met when they were 17 and promptly moved out, so she has lived with him ever since) she knows no other life than someone caring for her and I've seen what it has done to my BIL/SIL's relationship in 7 short months and am not willing to put my marriage on the line to try and play whatever game it is they are currently playing.
 
I'd offer to burn his house down, but it's currently her house too. 🤷‍♂️
 
One thing I'd recommend would be to have most/all communications between your MIL and FIL done over text. Anything else is just "he said/she said" and is going to be hard to prove. If she does call, I'd record if possible. Maybe try to get some evidence of him being a drunk/verbally abusive/etc. since that will probably be the grounds for divorce if she files.
 
RatLabGuy said:
This, at the very least she needs to protect her own minimal assets. It is 100% in her power to have that $$ put wherever she wants, and later during the court battle she can sue to make him repay what he took from it all this time - as long as she has documentation of where it has been going.

This is way past the possibility of being done civilized or outside of court.

As mentioned the best path forward is for the rest of the family to pool resources and back her finances to get through the proceedings then hopefully recoup from the winnings.
However you need to be prepared for the fact that its very possible you will not get you contribution back. Not that you MIL will have ill intention or not wish to repay, but it's very possible that what she gets back out will not be that much and will all be needed just to fund her new independent life.

e.g. consider your financial help / backing of her divorce to be a gift and not a loan.
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We could potentially scrape some money together. We don't have much to give but could do something just to help out. My BIL said that he could probably swing it but knows that she would probably need more than what he can give.
 
jcramsey said:
One thing I'd recommend would be to have most/all communications between your MIL and FIL done over text. Anything else is just "he said/she said" and is going to be hard to prove. If she does call, I'd record if possible. Maybe try to get some evidence of him being a drunk/verbally abusive/etc. since that will probably be the grounds for divorce if she files.
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Yeah, My MIL is big on texting, so that is there primary form of communication right now and I think she is thinking the same way as evidence later on.
 
The #1 thing to do right now is get her own bank account(s) and move any $$ she has access to into it. so that he cannot get it.
 
It just sucks because he knows that she has nothing. He knows that she can't fend for herself and to potentially put her through the whole litigation process and dragging this out he knows is going to be detrimental to her and her health and I think that is what she is most scared of. I think that and just the mind prison she has been in over the last 30 years, its literally like throwing her to the wolves.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
Yeah, My MIL is big on texting, so that is there primary form of communication right now and I think she is thinking the same way as evidence later on.
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NC is a one-party state FYI... so recording any phone calls is perfectly legal (and encouraged)
 
Not uncommon for one party to go clean out all joint accounts just before or immediately after divorce proceedings are initiated.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
It just sucks because he knows that she has nothing. He knows that she can't fend for herself and to potentially put her through the whole litigation process and dragging this out he knows is going to be detrimental to her and her health and I think that is what she is most scared of. I think that and just the mind prison she has been in over the last 30 years, its literally like throwing her to the wolves.
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Do you know what he really wants? Is it that he wants her back, or he just wants her money? Or he just doesn't want to be forced to pay alimony?
It doesn't sound like there's any love here. However a sense of control and ownership can be a very powerful thing for some men.
 
Just some practical advice too for if/when she gets a lawyer. Don't flood the attorney with a bunch of calls/emails. They're gonna bill you for each one. My wife always told her clients that if they have legitimate questions to put them all in a single email at the end of the week and she can respond to them. You're going to get billed for 15 minutes whether it took 1 minute to read and respond or the full 15 minutes....might as well get the most out it.
 
shawn said:
Not uncommon for one party to go clean out all joint accounts just before or immediately after divorce proceedings are initiated.
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This is what I'd be worried about. Whats preventing him from doing that?
On the same token - what's preventing her from (1) sending a notice saying "I am recouping my disability payments form our joint accounts" then (2) doing so 30 seconds later.
I'm assuming most of that $$ is gone already, and she can only clean out what he has in that 1 account.

But if he's that smart, he's already moved everything except a minimal token amount from anything joint.
 
RatLabGuy said:
Do you know what he really wants? Is it that he wants her back, or he just wants her money? Or he just doesn't want to be forced to pay alimony?
It doesn't sound like there's any love here. However a sense of control and ownership can be a very powerful thing for some men.
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I truly believe he wants back what is his and that's her. In some strange, demented way, He wants that power over her back. He keeps saying that she has a home because he busted his arse all those years to provide that. I think in his mind, he has done no wrong. He has provided her with food and shelter all these years and he'll be damned if she is going to come and take half of his retirement. They both have literally played mind games with each other for as long as I've known them. Oh he loves her, but in a weird possessive type way and she is all he knows and they just have a very toxic relationship. I have always said that their relationship is like an episode of cops where one party calls the cops on the other for abuse and then cry when they take the other person away in the cop car and want them back.
 
RatLabGuy said:
This is what I'd be worried about. Whats preventing him from doing that?
On the same token - what's preventing her from (1) sending a notice saying "I am recouping my disability payments form our joint accounts" then (2) doing so 30 seconds later.
I'm assuming most of that $$ is gone already, and she can only clean out what he has in that 1 account.

But if he's that smart, he's already moved everything except a minimal token amount from anything joint.
Click to expand...
I don't know if he has moved money over or not. He recently had to pay out money to get his car fixed, got some new windows in the house, and had some other work done, so I know he has it to spend and he also has her disability money every month and she went to punch out a couple hundred dollars to give all the grandkids money for Christmas, and he blessed her out for that...
 
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